Colour of Change
"So, how do I look, Fraser?" Ray says, stepping out of the dressing room, slowly turning for my inspection. I nod. His suit is lovely, the red vest quite a splash of colour against the dark shade of the suit. An unusual look for him, unusual colours for him, but he looks quite fetching in them. His gaze travels my body and I watch him as he assesses my suit before he nods, too.
"Can't believe this, can you?" Ray grins. "We got a sure thing with this assignment, I think. What an expense account. We look sharp."
I wish I had a sure thing with you, I say to myself, but of course I just nod. I've loved Ray for years and the thought of him in my arms, loving me, is a sweet fantasy, a dream I hold close to my heart.
Some time later, over hamburgers, he says, "Thanks."
"For asking me to go with you. I wouldn't want you to go on this assignment with anyone else." He dips his french fry into barbeque sauce before popping it in his mouth.
"Who else would I go on this assignment with?" I ask, intensely curious as to whom he thinks I would rather have by my side, at my back.
"Well," he mumbles, looking away from me. "Vecchio "
"Nonsense. I cannot imagine "
Ray's beautiful grin astounds me, as always, and I gape at him as he speaks. "Vecchio letting you play his boyfriend? Vecchio letting people think you fuck him?" He smirks.
"As you say," I say mildly. We eat in silence a bit longer, then boldly I ask, "You, however, don't mind?"
"Hell no. Why should I?" Ray stuffs another french fry or two in his mouth. "Be right back, okay?" He stood, starts to walk away and then comes back and leans over the table, his mouth near my ear. "I'd like it if you'd fuck me, Fraser. I'd like that real well."
I gawk at him, my mouth open, as he walks away, and as he passes in front of the lush green potted plant that stands at the entrance to the restrooms, he turns and winks at me.
Heat pools in my groin, his words ring in my ears, and yet, I tremble. All my desires all my wants they're within reach. Dear God, I can really have him. But for how long? He's been married he wants children will it be worth it to risk it all for whatever he's willing to give me, for however long?
That night, I tumble him onto the bed, willing and wanting to go here with him, wanting to bruise his flesh with my kisses, wanting to scald his soul with mine so that he's forever tied to me, wanting his blue eyes fastened on me with love, wanting to colour his perceptions of how good it can be with me.
He drapes his long legs over my shoulders and I push inside him, groaning at the tightness around my penis.
"God, yeah " he breathes. "So good "
I stop my forward thrust and stare down at him. "Good?" My heart melts.
"Better than good " he wiggles himself against me enticingly before dropping his legs off of my shoulders, allowing me to get even closer to him.
I begin to move in and out of him, and whisper into his mouth, between his hot and fiery kisses, "You're very dear to me."
"Oh fuck, yeah " he breathes, pushing his face into my neck, holding me tight as I slowly move in and out of him. "Never stop, Ben promise me."
And God help me, I do. I promise him forever, I mean forever.
We work diligently to bring down the drug dealers that we've been sent undercover to apprehend, and every night he comes to my bed, bringing love and laughter and joy as well as his long, lean body and his hot, sweet, fiery, addictive kisses.
Part of me the part that always expects the worst wonders what will happen when we go back to being Detective Kowalski and Corporal Fraser instead of the men we're pretending to be. I wonder if he'll leave me. I can't bear the thought of him going. I promised forever, but he hasn't.
"You two did good," Lieutenant Welsh grins up at us as we stand in front of his desk. "There's talk of promotions for both of ya." Ray just sighs and shakes his head. I glance at him and stifle a smile, but I suspect Lieutenant Welsh sees it anyway. He waves us out of his office and we head to Ray's desk.
Ray Vecchio is perusing a file and he looks up and grins at me. "Benny!"
"Kowalski," Ray Vecchio says by way of greeting.
"Vecchio." Ray Kowalski nods and sits down at his desk and begins looking through his telephone messages that Francesca took for him in our absence. He picks up the phone and dials a number.
"Ray, I'm going to pick up Diefenbaker from the Consulate and then I'm going home," I announce. Ray and I have the next three days off, and I wonder, still, what the night will bring. Will he stay with me, or go to his apartment? Ray looks up, the phone pressed to his ear and nods.
Ray Vecchio walks outside with me and grabs my bicep, leading me over to his newest Buick. "You doing okay, Benny?"
"I'm quite well, thank you." I look at my friend, and he looks tired. "Is everything all right with you?"
"Yeah, Stella and me, well " he shrugs in an eloquent way and I nod sympathetically.
"Sometimes I just don't get women," Ray muses.
"Love can be hard," I agree, thinking of my dilemma about Ray and forever.
"You got that right," Ray laughs.
We part ways, and I make my way to the Consulate, then on to my apartment with Diefenbaker at my side.
I put out his food and water and stroke Dief's coat as he drinks, lost in my own thoughts.
The afternoon ticks by and as the sun sets, I stand at my window, looking out, watching the sky, hoping that Ray will come by. I don't have the courage to ring him, because I've convinced myself that it was merely a diversion for him. He loves me, I do think that, even though he's never told me in so many words. But I, of all people, know how hard a relationship between two men can be.
Steve and I didn't last, even though I wanted us to. I believe I have to believe that he wanted that too. But we had different expectations, we had different lives, and those things tore at the fabric of our lives until we could no longer hold our relationship together. We parted amicably, but I still think of him to this day and wonder about the 'what if's'. He wanted me to leave the RCMP, and he told me a few years back when I last saw him that he believed that had I done so, we'd still be together. I, however, am not so sure.
Of course, any relationship has its ups and downs and I don't pretend to say that gay men are the only ones who have problems in relationships.
"Ah well, Dief. I should fix some dinner," I remark to my deaf companion, and he looks at me quizzically. "Dinner," I enunciate.
He gives an excited 'woof' and jumps up, his paws on my chest. I grin at him and scratch his ears while he moans in bliss. He finally jumps down and I decide to have eggs for dinner. I'm not much in the mood for anything, but know I need to eat.
I'm ready for bed, lounging on the couch, reading, resigned to loneliness, when I hear a muffled exclamation and a thump at my door. Dief jumps up, tail wagging. Then someone kicks my door the sound is unmistakable. Curious, I go to the door and open it.
Ray stands there, boxes in his hands, trying to balance them. "Whew, c'mon Fraser, help me out here."
Numbly I take the top three boxes, noting that they're marked "Kitchen", "Hot Wheels" and "Books" in Ray's unmistakable scrawl. I put them down near the front door and blurt, "What what are you doing?"
"I like the long john look," Ray says, waggling his eyebrows at me as he heads to my bedroom with his armful.
As I step into the bedroom, he's looking around the room as if in thought. "Okay, come on, help me here " He bends over and starts tugging at my bed, pulling the sheets off, and I just stare at him. "What, Fraser?" Ray snaps, straightening up and looking at me.
"What are you doing?"
"Moving your bed out. It's barely big enough for you, much less both of us."
My heart pounds, and I look from the boxes he brought in, sitting on the floor by Dief's blanket, back to him, hardly able to comprehend what he's saying.
"Unless you don't want me?" He's watching me intently, his arms wrapped around himself, and with one long stride, I pull him into my arms.
"How could you think that?" I finally breathe into his ear. "I love you."
"Yeah?" Ray pulls back, grinning at me and then reaches up and musses up my hair. "I love you too. Now help me." He starts to reach for the bed again, but instead I push him onto it and lick his adam's apple.
He moans and his arms tighten around me, so I continue licking him. He tastes so wonderful. I've got my hand in his shirt, stroking every part of him that I can reach, sucking gently on his earlobe, when he pulls away, gasping, "Ben Fraser stop "
Disappointed, I pull back and lose my balance, sliding to the floor.
He laughs and raises up slightly to look down at me, a grin splitting his face. "You look pretty damn good in a union suit."
I grin at him, and reach out and grab his leg. "You look better in nothing at all."
"Yeah, well, Huey and Dewey are probably freezing their nuts off outside."
Ray cackles, pushes himself off the bed and starts rummaging through my dresser with no regards to how I might feel about him making himself at home.
I like it.
"Here. Put your pants on, and let's get this bed out." He tosses me a pair of jeans and I start sliding them on without another word.
I will follow him wherever he wants to go.
"What in the hell took you so long, Kowalski?" Detective Dewey grumbles, standing by a rental truck. "There's a game on tonight I want to see."
"Shut your trap, Dewey," Ray says, grinning. "Just help us get this stuff in, and that's it."
"Ready, Ray? Okay then," Detective Huey says. "Come on."
They quickly begin unloading the truck, and Ray put his turtle's home in my hands. "Here, Fraser. You're the only one I trust to carry Peebles." I nod, and head towards the building, a foolish, happy grin on my face, carrying Ray's turtle. As I enter the building, I hear Ray telling Dief that he's just going to have to share with Peebles.
I reach my floor and hear Detectives Huey and Dewey arguing over where to put the bed.
"They're sleeping together!" Detective Dewey exclaims.
I feel a rush of relief at Detective Huey's matter-of-fact tone of voice but I still steel myself for a confrontation when I hear Detective Dewey speak.
"So, I don't care. I'm just saying."
"So, I don't care."
Relief. Thank God he doesn't care.
Carefully, I put Peebles on my kitchen table and turn to face them just as Ray comes rushing into the apartment. "Just put it there, okay?" he says to the other detectives, pointing to what is obviously intended to be our bedroom. Ray turns his attention to me as he puts a box of food on the table. "What's wrong, Fraser?"
"They've guessed," I say in a quiet voice.
"So?" Ray shrugs and starts putting groceries in my refrigerator.
I watch him for a moment, and then I walk back down to the truck to bring in some more of Ray's things.
I'm coming up with an armful of Ray's clothes, still on the hangers, when I hear Ray. "Thanks for helping out, guys."
"No problem, Ray. See you in a couple of days." I step into the apartment as Detectives Huey and Dewey are leaving. "Bye, Fraser. See you later."
Quickly, we finish unloading the car and the truck, and soon, my apartment is full of boxes and clutter. "There's still a lot to do," Ray says, standing in front of the refrigerator, eating ham from the package. "I thought, if you didn't care, you could help me?"
"Of course. Ray, are you hungry? I could fix you a sandwich."
Ray shoves the last piece of ham into his mouth and opens the package of turkey. "Nah, this is good."
"All right. I'll go make our bed."
I'm smoothing the comforter across the surface when he comes into the bedroom, the carton of orange juice in his hands. "You sure you don't mind?"
"Me just moving in like this."
"Of course not." I straighten up and look him in the eye. "I want you here."
"Yeah? Good," Ray says, heading back into the kitchen. I take off my jeans and get ready for bed.
I open my mouth to tell Ray to get the lights, when he starts turning them off, one by one. "Dief, leave Peebles alone." I grin and slide into bed. "I'm gonna get a shower, Fraser," Ray calls out.
"All right, Ray."
I lie on my side of the bed the left and stare at his pillow, thinking about waking up next to him every day. I listen to the shower run and I close my eyes, smiling.
When Ray comes to bed, he immediately wraps himself around me, and I hold him close. "I'm very glad you're here, Ray."
"Me too, Fraser."
He kisses across my shoulder and I press against him, kissing him right below the ear, just where he likes. His penis starts to harden and I smile against his neck, kissing and sucking him some more, loving the way he responds to me.
Before long, we're rolling all over the bed, kissing and touching and rubbing against each other.
I raise up over him, pushing my penis against his, watching his face as I make love with him. "I love you, Ray."
His hands cup my buttocks as he urges me to move, rocking against me. I kiss him hard as I press against him over and over, and as he orgasms between our bodies with a cry of my name, I suck at his throat, letting my orgasm mingle with his.
Sated and happy, I curl around him and he runs his fingers through my hair.
"You won't leave, will you?" I have to ask, I have to know.
"No," he says, a smile in his voice. "Never, Ben."
"I know you wanted children."
"People change, Fraser." He sounds reflective, and his fingers running through my hair are soothing. "I'm happy where I am. I'm happy with you."
"I'm happy too."
"Never thought I'd get you here, you know." I tilt my head so I can look at him, and he continues. "Loved you a long time. Never thought I'd have a chance to tell you." He smiles and sort of shakes his head a little. "Just promise me that even though people change, the way you feel about me won't."
"I promise it'll only grow stronger, Ray."
And I mean it. My love for Ray will never fade away.
I promised forever and I meant it.