Never Cold Again



Written 20 February 2003

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express written permission of the author. Thank you.

I watch the door as I cook our dinner, waiting on Ray to come home from picking up the mail.

Home, my traitorous mind echoes. This isn't Ray's home… don't you wish it were?

I have loved Ray for as long as I've known him. Four years and twenty days, to be precise.

However, Ray is not my lover despite my secret wishing for him to be so. He is, however, my best friend, and I'm honoured to be his.

Ray's here on holiday – I'm not quite sure when he's planning on returning to the States. I don't want to ask, afraid I'll cause him to leave sooner than he planned.

Never go back, Ray, I wish silently as I take the lid off of the stew and give it a stir before replacing the lid. While I'm lost in thought, Ray comes in.

"Good God, Ray!" I splutter as Ray touches the back of my neck with his cold hand. "Why didn't you wear your gloves?"

He laughs and I laugh with him, turning to face him.

"I was just out there for a minute, Fraser." He slants a grin at me and I shake my head. "Been cold before."

"You're going to get sick," I warn, crossing my arms.

"Nah, I'm good," Ray shrugs, sliding his coat off and hanging it up. "What's for dinner?"

"One of your favourites," I say, stifling a smile.

"No! Really?" He turns to me, a huge smile gracing his face.

I love him.

"Yes, really." I turn back to the stove and take the lid off of the stew pot. I know full well he's smelled the rabbit stew, but still, it's something we do.

"Thanks, Fraser. You're always the best."

I love you, I want to say. Instead, I nod, and say, "You're welcome, Ray. I enjoying cooking what you like."

"You're probably ready for me to go home, aren't you Fraser?" Ray asks as he takes two bowls out of the cabinet. Startled, I look at him. How could he know what I'd been thinking of? Is this one of his intuitive leaps, one of his hunches, I wonder. He shrugs and looks away from me.

"Nonsense, Ray." I touch his back and he looks back at me. "I want you to stay as long as you can." Forever, my heart echoes. The four weeks that he's been here aren't long enough.

"Yeah?" He cocks his head slightly, as if considering my words, and I nod.

"Yes." I say it firmly, wanting him to believe me. "I want you to stay."

Something in his eyes flickers and his face smoothes out and he nods. I dish up the stew and we talks of everything and nothing over dinner, just as we always do.

He doesn't say anything else until after dinner, until we're getting ready for bed.

"If I wanted to stay… stay here, with you, for good, would you mind?"

Time stops and I almost forget to breathe as I look at him in stunned happiness.

"No," I whisper, standing in front of my bedroom. "I'd like that."

He looks at me and nods. "You sure? You really, really sure?"

"I'm sure," I say, my voice cracking.

"Because…" he hesitates, looking down at the wooden floor. "I think…"

"Yes?" I prompt him, feeling as if the world has narrowed to just him and me.

Ray looks up at me then, and in the dim light of the lamp from the room, his eyes look silver-blue. Instead of speaking, however, he closes the short distance between us and fastens his mouth over mine. Startled, but not unwilling – never that, never unwilling with Ray – I respond to his kiss.

My hands slide up and down his back and he presses closer to me, his mouth hungry against mine. We kiss for long moments, our mouths and tongues learning each other and my hands slide up under his shirt, feeling his warm skin beneath my hands. The simple touch of my hands on his body incinerates me.

I press him against the wall of the narrow hallway and shift my hips against his, starved for his touch, for anything he's willing to give me, to share with me. My hardness is apparent as I rock against him, and I shiver as his hands slide under my shirt and his fingernails scrape my skin.

He hardens as we move together, face to face, standing up, my bed close by. It's impossible to get to, however. I need this here and I need it now. I've needed it for a long time. Part of me also fears that if I release him and lead him to my bed, he'll break away from me and be lost to me forever. Better to mark him here and now and then later in our bed.

One last scrape of his fingernails across my back and he grunts, his hands going down to cup my posterior. Ray holds me even closer, rubbing frantically against me. My tongue tangles with his as we make love and he's moaning deep in his throat as I break the kiss.

I bite him where his shoulder meets his neck, pressing against him as he presses against me. I suck at the bite, my tongue soothing the flesh there while he continues moving against me, his fingers scrabbling at the front of my jeans.

He finally gets them undone and pushed down far enough to suit him. I do the same to him, and we fumble briefly, in each other's way as we wrap our fingers around each other's penises and begin to stroke as we kiss again. I wrap my free arm around him, holding him as close as I can as we love.

I moan softly as my orgasm pulses through my body, splattering on him. He shivers and thrusts up into the circle of my hand, releasing my penis to grasp my shoulders in a tight grip as he thrusts thrice more into my hand and orgasms, coating my hand and my shirt with his semen.

I release him, wipe my hand on my jeans and wrap my arms around him, hugging him tight. He leans against me, and lets me hold him for a long moment as our breathing eases.

My heart is pounding when he finally does pull away from me. He reaches up, caresses my face, and I see the love he has for me in his eyes. I hope he sees the same in mine. I gesture towards my bed – our bed – and he nods.

I take his hand, sliding our fingers together, and he squeezes my hand once before following me into the bedroom.

He looks down at the worn quilt covering the bed then back up at me. He licks his lips and then says, "Don't wanna be cold ever again, Fraser."

I know what he's asking. I cup his cheek, look into his eyes and promise him forever. "I'll keep you warm."

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