Written 17 November 2002
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Ray is an extraordinary lover. Ive never had anyone pay attention to my needs and desires the way he does. He takes care of me in ways I've never experienced, and he allows me to take care of him. We are so well suited.
And now, as he moves on me, his lean long body flushed with heat and love and sex, our bodies sliding together, our sweat between us, my Stetson on his head, I am overwhelmed with need and desire and love.
I never knew my hat could be a sexual object. Now, I fear, every time I see it, I'll be thinking of this moment in time.
Gripping his hips tightly, I watch him ride upon me and think about how much I love him. Another man once took me to his bed, and it was nothing like this, nothing like what Ray shows me of himself when we make love.
Coming home today from work at lunch was a bad idea, as Ive not eaten and a glance at the clock tells me I should have left to return to the Consulate five minutes ago. But I dont care. When ones lover greets you only wearing one of ones Stetsons and a grin, one must make allowances.
And dear God, hes good. Tight, and hot, and oh-so-willing and eager for me. He always has been, from the first time he loved me in a cabin in the Yukon and every time since then. I am lucky beyond compare.
Love you, Fraser, Ray mutters. His penis is hard and aching, no doubt, but he is not touching himself. Instead, he touches me, his hands roaming the parts of my body that he can reach as he moves up and down on me. I shiver as he touches me, wanting so much of him that it hurts.
I close my eyes and swallow hard, feeling his hands on my skin, my penis inside him, and I spiral closer to orgasm. The love I feel for Ray is so deep and so much a part of me I wonder sometimes if he realises that it is as if we are one soul in two bodies.
I look up at him, my heart in my eyes and he smiles down at me, slowly leaning over me to kiss me, careful not to lose my hat in the process.
I love you, I whisper into his mouth and he sighs and clenches himself around me, and I groan, thrusting up into him as I orgasm. He rocks on me, moaning slightly as his hand starts towards his penis.
Touch yourself for me? I ask, loving this part of our lovemaking. His eyes fasten on me and he nods tersely, his hand moving up and down his penis as I watch. My penis throbs at the evocative picture he makes, his eyes heavy-lidded in ecstasy, his hand on his penis as he strokes himself for me, his tongue wetting his lips as he pleasures himself.
I remove the hat from his head, toss it over the side of the bed and hold his hips as I gently roll us over and pull out of him.
Dropping kisses over his hot, sweaty skin, I also use my teeth to mark him as mine, and he trembles as I make love to him. Finally I begin to lick the evidence of my orgasm from him and he moans my name as my tongue slides into his body.
His hand moves faster and I continue to lick and suck him.
Fraser! God! He arches up, pulling away from me, his body taut, his orgasm flowing over his hand and onto his skin.
I nuzzle his thigh, then lick my way up his body, his taste mixing with my taste on my tongue, and I lick him until hes clean. His fingers comb through my hair and he slurs, You like the way we taste, huh?
When we first became lovers, he couldnt believe I would lick him there at all, much less after I orgasmed inside him. But God, I love it. And so does he, now.
I nod, resting my head on his flat stomach and he shifts slightly under me. He falls asleep quickly he always does and I kiss him on his breastbone before climbing out of bed, careful not to step on my hat. I put it back on the hat stand and go to the bathroom to clean up.
When I go back into our bedroom, hes rolled onto his side, holding my pillow, and I pull the covers over him, kiss his stubbled cheek and turn away from him with reluctance. I dont wish to get dressed and leave him, but I must return to work. I dress quickly and turn to look at him for a moment.
Going? he mumbles as I lean over him once more to kiss him goodbye.
Yes, I say. Then, because its something we do, Ill be careful and I promise to see you tonight.
I promise to be here, he says, opening his eyes then and smiling up at me sleepily.
I have no fears, now, that he wont be. He loves me with everything he is, and I love him.
As I go out to our SUV, I think about that, about how he reassures me constantly that hell always be here for me, that he wont leave me. Life has not been kind to either of us in many ways, but the love we have for each other makes up for the past unhappiness we have both borne, I believe.
The rest of the afternoon goes by in a blur of paperwork and the telephone ringing, and soon enough I'm back home, parked in our driveway, looking at the small house we purchased not long after we became a couple.
As I walk into our home, I'm struck once again by the happiness I feel just by coming home. It's a good feeling. It's always been this way with Ray. Just being with him embodies home to me.
I see Ray and Dief in the backyard, sitting in the large children's wading pool that Ray insisted Diefenbaker needed, and I shake my head, affection welling up inside me at the mere sight of the man I love.
I open the sliding door to the backyard and Ray turns and grins at me. "Hi Fraser!"
"Hello, Ray. How was your day?" I pull a lawnchair close to him and touch his wet head and smile. "Dief dunk you again?"
Ray laughs and shakes his head. "Nah. I was just hot, so I thought I'd get in with him."
"I see." My hand rests on his neck and he leans his head back, closing his eyes.
"You still off tomorrow?" he asks after we sit in silence for a moment.
"Yes, I am."
"Great. Thought maybe you'd be willing to grill out tonight," Ray says, opening his eyes.
I try to sound put upon. "If I must."
He laughs and I squeeze his neck gently then release him and stand. "I'll go change and be right back out."
Ray stretches after he eats, sighing happily.
"How are you feeling today?" I ask, reaching for another piece of steak.
He eyes me steadily and nods. "Fine. Why?"
I smile. "Just checking."
"No hovering," Ray says with a slight frown, playing with his napkin.
"Have I yet?"
He grins at me. "Yeah. You have."
I grin back at him. He shakes his head at me and laughs.
"What can I say, Ray? I'm in love."
He leans towards me, and touches my hand. "Me too."
I put down my fork and hug him. He leans against me, his still-wet hair brushing my skin and we sit in silence for a moment.
Then, "I'm good, Fraser. Me and Dief had a good day, walked around the block a couple of times and hey, there was the whole noon making love thing."
"I must confess, Ray, that I've never thought of my hat as a sexual object."
He chuckles and sits up slowly. "Got you going, didn't it, Mountie?"
"Yes." It's merely the truth.
"Maybe tonight, if you're feeling adventurous, you can do me in the boots."
I stare at him, my mouth suddenly dry. "Ray. You can't mean that."
"Make a bet?" he smirks and stands, clearing the table, passing Dief the last piece of steak. "I got an appointment Monday with the orthopaedist, Ben."
"All right, what time?" I stand and begin running water to do the dishes.
"Seven, so you can go with."
Ray snorts. "A pleasure, I'm sure." He leans against me a moment, then mutters, "I'm gonna go shower, okay?"
"Mind if we go to bed and watch TV?" He asks offhandedly.
His back must be bothering him again if he wants to go to bed this early. But I don't fuss. I merely nod. "I'll bring you up a pill."
"Okay." He heads towards the bathroom and I hurriedly finish dishes and lock up. I'm slightly worried that this afternoon's lovemaking exacerbated his back pain, but chide myself for being foolish and resolve not to mention it to him. We were careful, I was gentle, and we went slow.
I'm in bed, book in hand, when he walks into the bedroom, nude. As always, he takes my breath with his beauty. He lifts the glass of water, swallows his pill, and notices me watching him. "What?"
"Just admiring you," I say.
"Freak," he says, and I hear the fondness for me in his voice which warms me to the core. "Care what we watch?"
"No horror films."
"All right, no horror films," Ray grumbles as he slides into bed next to me. "Where's Dief?"
"In his room, I imagine."
He laughs and snuggles close to me. I put my arm around him and hold him as he watches TV and I read. He drifts off to sleep and when I finish reading, I turn off the lamp by my side of the bed and turn off the TV - thank God for remote controls!
I'm not really sleepy, so I lay in our bed, holding him, thinking. It's times like this when I let myself think about the could-have-been's. He could have died in the car wreck that broke his back but he didn't. He's here in my arms, alive. He can walk, swim, make love with me tell me he loves me. I tighten my arms around him and he stirs a bit so I relax again.
I don't think I'll ever forget the day they came to tell me that he was in an accident, that a drunk driver had run a light and slammed into Ray as he was driving home to me. I kiss his forehead and close my eyes, letting the feel of him in my arms reassure me.
His mouth on my collarbone wakes me and I whisper, "Love you."
I see his smile in the dim early morning light and he whispers, "Love you too."
He rocks his hips against me as his mouth finds mine and he runs his fingers through my hair.
Slowly we make love, reaffirming our union with word and deed and as we lay together afterwards, sweaty and sticky, he kisses me once more and tells me he loves me.
"I will always love you," I vow.
"I know you will. It must be love," Ray says, sounding sleepy, "for you to put up with me."
"There's no 'putting up' with you, Ray. I do love you and always will."
He shifts and looks at me for a moment. "I sort of wondered if you'd stick with me when they told me about the pins and shit in my back."
I blink. He's never said any such thing to me before. I suddenly feel lost and worried. "Ray?"
"Yeah. I know. But " he sighs and rolls over, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm a lot of work."
"You aren't. You never have been."
He stares up at the ceiling and then turns to me, looking earnest. "Do you ever want to be with someone else?"
My mouth grows dry and I shake my head vehemently. "No. Never. I have never loved anyone like I love you. What - why do you ask?"
"Look at us. Me, all broken up, you perfectly healthy you can't do a lot of the things we used to do together now and I think about everything you must miss. I just " he looks away then, his voice low in the quiet of our bedroom. "I just want you to be happy."
"I am happy, Ray. Coming home to you every day is just it's a miracle, it's something I'll never tire of."
Ray touches my lips. "I just love you. And I worry youre just stuck with me, and I don't want to be -"
"You're not," I say fiercely, pulling him into my arms, certain what he's going to say. "You're not a burden. You're never a burden." My throat closes up as I think of what I could be missing and I need to tell him, I know that, but words don't always come easy to me. He starts to shift and pull away from me but I hold him close and fight for composure, fight for the ability to tell him. "Ray."
"The only thing I could miss is you. If you had died I " My throat closes on the words and I shake my head, force them out. "I would have died without you in my life, Ray. I don't think you realise how much I depend on you."
"You depend on me? For what?" He sounds incredulous and I smile, kissing his cheek.
"I depend on you for giving me a life filled with love and laughter. I depend on you to show me that I'm worth loving." I pull back from him a bit and look him in the eyes. "I love you and would be lost without you. You take care of me. You're home to me."
"You take care of me too, Fraser. You're my everything." Ray gently kisses me, then he cocks his head and looks at me speculatively. "I still want you to do me in the boots."
I laugh, shake my head, and hug him tight. He grins and hugs me back and as we lay there together, drifting back to sleep, I think about how we're each what the other needs, how our love for each other is really like coming home at long last.