For Annie, the bestest
Written 26 December 2002
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without the express written permission of the author. Thank you.
I sigh as Countess Lazarovici stalks towards me yet again, the look on her face making it very apparent as to what she wants. She's been trying to lead me to her bed all evening and that's definitely not what I want. She grasps my arm, her long nails bright red against the black of my suit. Drunkenly, she sways towards me, muttering something in Romanian.
Just as I attempt to free myself from her clutches, a waiter walks by with a tray of drinks. She lurches after him, seemingly forgetting me for the moment. I breathe a sigh of relief and wonder if it is too soon in the evening for Ray and I to make our escape.
My eyes scan the crowded dance floor for my partner, Ray Kowalski. There are plenty of women at this charity function and I'm sure that he's found a willing partner to dance with.
I turn and see Ray standing behind me, a glass of amber coloured liquid in his hand. I smile at him and he smiles briefly at me before lifting the glass and taking a small drink. I think about the long line of his throat as he swallows his whiskey and I swallow hard.
The Countess returns and she pulls me towards the dance floor. I glance back at Ray. He's watching us with a peculiar look on his face and I can't help but wonder what he's thinking.
Countess Lazarovici leans against me and I look down at her, wondering at the fact that despite the fact she is an attractive woman in fact, a beautiful woman, I feel nothing for her. No love, of course love is an emotion that takes time to develop. I found that out the hard way. But what about lust? I've been attracted to others during my lifetime, even though I've rarely acted on that attraction.
I've known lust I experience it every day when I see Ray.
My eyes find my partner again and as I watch him, I catch my breath at the way he looks. He's a beautiful man, and when I glance down at the Countess, I understand why I don't feel anything for her. All my thoughts, all my feelings, are wrapped up in one moody blond American.
Even though I have never loved a man before, the thought of loving Ray does not distress me. In fact, the thought of loving him, tasting him, of being everything to him, excites me. It has for some time. On occasion I think I see the way I feel for him reflected in his eyes, and yet, he doesn't speak of it. Then again, neither do I.
I continue watching him as I move across the dance floor with this woman in my arms, and as the song ends, I smile at the Countess and lead her to a couch near the dance floor. She lets herself sprawl on the soft surface, closing her eyes and when I turn around to go back to where Ray waits, he's standing there, right in front of me, a soft smile on his lips.
"Dance with me, Fraser?"
I don't know if he expected indecision or embarrassment from me but I smile back and nod. Perhaps this is the time, our time, to share all of ourselves with each other. "Of course Ray. I'd be honoured to." Surprise flickers in his eyes but then he smiles again and leads me to the dance floor.
He pulls me close and we begin to dance, our bodies moving together well, a duet here on the dance floor as well as in every other part of our lives. We ignore the people watching us and concentrate on each other.
As the orchestra plays, I watch him intently. He moves with an inherent grace that awes me. My mind wanders to another place where he might also be graceful. My heart beats a little faster at his quickness, at his beauty.
"I got something on my face?" Ray asks with a grin.
"No," I say with a smile.
"Then what?" Ray looks amused.
"I like the way you " I start to say and then close my mouth with a snap. Perhaps, even though I'm dancing with him, he doesn't want me wouldn't ever want me. Perhaps
Ray shakes his head. "Doesn't work that way, Fraser. Tell me."
I know that tone of Ray's voice. Not wanting to argue, I tell him. I make my mind up to be forthright and honest in this.
"I like the way you look at me," I whisper, leaning close to him, wanting to trace the whorl of his ear with my tongue.
"Yeah?" He sounds pleased, and I nod. "Good." Holding me close to him, he manoeuvres us through the other couples that are dancing and I relax, letting him sweep us along.
While my arms are around him, I truly feel complete. Why haven't I noticed this before? Why didn't I notice it on our adventure? Every morning, I would awake with him in my arms, and each day my rationalisation was that he was cold during the night. Perhaps I was wrong. I pray to God that I was wrong, that he came to me in the night because he needs me like I need him.
We finish our dance and we walk together to the bar where he orders another drink. My arms ache, not liking the emptiness, wanting to hold him again. "Whiskey. Neat." He glances at me as his hand closes around the glass that the young lady hands him. "Would you like something?"
"Apple juice for my partner, if you've got it. Orange juice, if you don't," Ray says, smiling winningly at the girl who is tending the bar.
She hands me a glass of apple juice and I am warmed by his gesture he knows my fondness for apples. "Thank you Ray."
"My pleasure, Ben."
As I drink my juice, I watch him covertly as he watches everyone else. I can tell he wishes to say something to me, but I don't prompt him. Instead, I just merely enjoy his company for the moment.
Finally he looks at me. "You know we got something good going here." He gestures to the space between us.
"And, you know, you're my best friend. I wouldn't I mean, I " He frowns, then moves in front of me, turns to face me. "I don't want to lose our friendship just because of a night in the sack."
"Just a night, Ray?" I swallow hard. Surely not just one night? Surely not.
He looks confused for a moment then his face clears. "You mean you'd consider more?"
Mouth dry at the image of 'more', I nod. He is the only person who cares about me. He is the only person who doesn't try to change me to fit their perceptions of who they think I should be. Ray Kowalski is my dearest friend, and I know in my heart that I love him. I realise that I have been ignoring that about him, about us, because I have never been able to conceive of him loving me back. "What about you, Ray?" My voice is husky, and his tongue slides out to wet his lips. "Would you consider more?"
Blue eyes study me for a moment, then he speaks. "Me, I don't do one shot deals, Fraser." He shrugged, looking down at our feet for a second before looking me square in the face. "Me, I like commitment. You know, in it for the long haul."
I reach out and take his hand in mine. "I do too, Ray."
He smiles at me then and plunks the glass down he's holding on a table near us. "Want to go home with me, Fraser?"
"Yes." I am amazed that my voice is steady. "Let me let Constable Brighton know we're leaving."
"You got it Fraser. I'm just going to " he gestures towards the restrooms and I nod.
"Shall I meet you in the lobby?"
"Yeah. Lobby. Good idea." He nods and I watch him walk away before I go in search of Constable Brighton.
Ray's lounging against the wall of the lobby as I come out of the ballroom. I make my apologies to him immediately. "I'm terribly sorry, Ray. Several people offered their congratulations to me."
"On what? Your promotion?" He pushes himself off of the wall and I shake my head.
"Ah, no. On you."
Ray stares. "Me?"
I nod, smiling. "Obviously we make a lovely couple."
"I knew that," Ray muttered, a small smile on his lips, heading towards the elevators. Confused as to why he's going to the elevator, I follow him.
"Ray? I thought we were going home?" We step in the elevator and he takes my hand.
"Honeymoon. Sort of."
I'm silent. Honeymoon? Sort of? At first, the thought scares me but then it exhilarates me. We are truly going to go through with this.
Once we reach the tenth floor, we exit the elevator, still hand in hand, and go to room 1001. As he unlocks the door, he eyes me speculatively, and I grin at him, knowing what he's thinking.
"Don't even think about it, Ray."
"Spirit's willing. I just think I had a little too much to drink, Fraser," he grins back. Before he steps into the room, I pull him back towards me.
"Huh?" He turns and faces me, and I quickly scoop him up over my shoulder. "Benton Fraser!" he splutters, and I carry him over the threshold, both of us laughing, kicking the door shut behind us. I dump him on the bed and collapse next to him, still laughing.
"Oh hell, you're so going to pay, Sergeant Fraser!" He laughs, his fingers tangling in my hair.
"You fall in love with a Chicago cop, and you pay and pay and pay " I murmur, turning slightly, leaning over him.
He looks up at me, his eyes wide. "Yeah?" he finally rasps.
"Yeah," I agree, grabbing onto my courage and leaping, praying to God that he leaps also. I lean down and cover his mouth with mine.
Sometimes you just have to leap.
His arms move around me, and his tongue slides against my lips. I press against him and open my mouth, tangling my tongue around his. He shifts and rolls towards me, hooking his leg over mine. I deepen the kiss, so damn hungry for him.
I never knew I needed him so.
Ray eagerly responds to me, and eventually we start trying to undress each other. It doesn't work well. He laughs and pushes at me, so I move away from him. I am loath to do so. I want to pleasure him, I want his body to hum with pleasure as I use everything I have and everything I am to mark him as mine.
We both stand up to undress. I am quicker than he, so I end up back in the bed sooner. I lie there and watch him remove his tuxedo, my penis half-hard and my heart full of love for him. As he pulls his shirt off, he glances at me. "You sure about this?"
I roll onto my side. "Yes, Ray. Why? Are you having "
"No," he interrupts me, "I'm not having second thoughts or whatever. I just " Ray shrugs and finishes undressing. I get back up and pull back the covers and he turns out the lights, leaving only the bathroom light on, its yellow light spilling out into the room. Together, we slide into bed.
I am worried. Ray doesn't sound happy. However, I pull him into my arms, feeling confident enough to do that much at least. It's harder to get back into the swing of this than I expected it would be the interruption put more than a slight damper on our lovemaking.
Ray sighs against my neck. "Ben?"
"Yes, Ray?" I stroke his hair and wait for him to tell me what's wrong he's so tense he's vibrating and I'm not sure what to do about it.
"I'm I've never done this before."
"I haven't either, Ray," I say softly, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
"Oh." He relaxes in my arms and I press another kiss to his forehead. He kisses my neck and I close my eyes as his mouth fastens on my collarbone.
He rolls us over and whispers, "I don't want to disappoint you, that's all," against my lips.
"Never," I vow, and I frame his face with my hands, pulling him down for a kiss. I know in my heart that there will never be disappointment where Ray is concerned. We may get angry with each other, we might argue, but we will never cease being friends. Nor lovers.
I roll him back over, push the blankets away and begin to explore his body. He moans softly as I taste his throat, his collarbone, his nipples. When I suck gently on his left nipple, he sighs, clasping my head, holding me in place. I stroke his stomach with my fingers, then touch the end of his penis lightly and he moans my name, releasing me.
God, he tastes good. I kiss my way down his chest, down his stomach to drop one kiss on the head of his penis.
"God!" He thrusts into the air and I stare up at him, the light from the bathroom illuminating his body. I run my hands up his thighs and when he looks down at me, I say it.
"I love you, Ray."
"Oh yeah," he moans, his penis twitching. "C'mere, c'mere, please."
When I slide back up his body, he grabs me, his strong hands curling into my flesh, his mouth on mine, his tongue sliding into my mouth as he rolls us to our sides. He begins sliding his penis against mine, and I hold him tight as I move against him in response.
I push him down and straddle him, gently nipping his throat, his shoulders and he reaches between us, his fingers gentle as he explores my penis. I move into his hand and he mutters, "Dancing."
I nod and push into the circle of his hand. He tightens his hand on me and I pull away, sliding down, taking him into my mouth.
"Oh shit! Ben!" Ray exclaims, his body trembling as I put my hands on his hipbones and suck him gently. The length of his penis fills my mouth and I realise that I, too, am shaking. He moves his hips restlessly, his penis sliding in and out of my mouth and I close my eyes, lost in the wonder of his taste and smell.
"I want you," Ray says, his voice harsh. "I want you "
I let his hardness slip from my lips reluctantly and look up at him.
He elucidates. "I want you inside me."
I stare at him, my eyes wide. "You do?"
"Yeah," Ray grins. "I do. Told ya, sort of a honeymoon one of us, at least, needs to get their cherry popped."
I believe my heart stops at his words. That he wants to give this to me almost stuns me and I move up in the bed to lie next to him, touching him, running my hands across every part of him I can reach.
He rolls half onto me, looking worried. "If you want me, I mean. Like that. If you don't, I get it, I understand. Lots of people "
"Ray " I say, interrupting him.
I cup his face in my hands again, drawing him to me for another kiss. My penis throbs and aches, and I can do nothing but imagining impaling him upon me, giving him as much pleasure as we can both stand. I whisper, "I always want you, Ray."
He makes a strangled noise and nods once.
"Let me get some lotion from the restroom," I say, reluctantly releasing him and starting to slide from the bed.
"Okay " he fondles my rear as I get out of bed and I smile back at him.
He smiles at me as I bring the three small bottles of lotion to the bed. I open one, kneel on the bed as he rolls to his stomach. Suddenly, I know with perfect clarity that I need to taste him here also.
I bend down and lick his spine. He moans. My tongue goes further, sliding down, sliding into him. He stills. I stop, my tongue inside him. Then he moves back onto my tongue, panting, "Fuck, God, Ben, more " I slide my tongue in and out of him until he's moaning non-stop.
I rise up, touch the now wet entrance to his body and smile. He definitely likes me touching him there, judging by the way he's trying to take my fingers into his body. I open the bottles of lotion and steadfastly ignore the way my penis feels. Rubbing lotion on my fingers, I gently slide two inside him and move them, trying to give him pleasure.
He whimpers and I instantly stop. "Ray?"
"I want your cock. In me. Now, Ben."
"Pushy, aren't you?" I move to lie down on the bed and he stares at me in frustration.
"Straddle me, Ray." Understanding dawns on his face and he quickly moves to straddle me.
"I like this, face to face. I didn't think about being able to see you."
I hold my penis steady as he slowly lowers himself. When I feel the entrance to his body resist slightly, I rub his thigh. He smiles down at me, his bottom lip caught between his teeth, and pushes down harder. I slide inside him, causing us both to gasp.
"Oh shit!" Ray stares at me, wild-eyed.
"I love you," I gasp, gripping his hips. "Move, Ray."
"I love you," he mutters, leaning over to kiss me, rocking on my penis, drawing a moan from me. "Feels so good to be this close to you."
"Yes," I mutter. It takes all my will not to thrust upwards into him, to let him set the pace, but God, the things he's doing to my body! His hands stroke my chest, his tongue licks the corner of my mouth, his body holds me tight.
Eventually, the pleasure is far more than I can bear, and I gasp, "Ray Ray Ray "
"Do it, Ben, yeah," he mutters, never stopping his relentless rocking rhythm. "Just like dancing, always want you to be my partner," he gasps as he stiffens and his orgasm overtakes him. As he orgasms all over my stomach, I orgasm inside him clutching him tight, my mouth slack with pleasure.
We stare at each other, both of us shaking, and then he pulls off of me and lies on top of me, holding me tight. Our skin slides together, slick from his orgasm, and he mumbles, "Condom."
"Sorry," I say sleepily, wrapping my arms around him. "No diseases."
I let myself drift, happiness and love warming me. He snuggles closer and I smile. I should have known he'd be a cuddler.
"Night, Fraser," Ray says, his breath hot on my ear.
I'm almost asleep when his voice wakes me.
"Do love you, you know."
"I know." And I do. His feelings for me were apparent in every touch, every kiss, every look tonight. I hope that he'll always love me like this.
"Yeah," I breathe, nuzzling his throat. "Tomorrow." Tomorrow. We've got tomorrow, a great many tomorrows, together.
We're good together, we always have been. We always will be. As I drift to sleep, he presses a kiss to my cheek, pats me on the chest and falls asleep. I crack my eyes for one more look at Ray and think that I'm lucky that he wants to dance with me, that he wants me to be his partner.