Everything I Hoped For
Written 20 December 2003
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As I step into the bullpen on Christmas Eve, he's deep in thought, I can tell. I hesitate, not wanting to intrude on his thoughts, but then he raises his head and sees me. His face brightens and my heart flutters. The feelings that his welcoming grin evokes in me fill me with despair and hope, all at once. I quickly make my way across the crowded room to his desk, and as I sit next to him, his elbow brushes mine, and I feel myself flush. God, I want this man. I want so much from him, with him.
"You okay, Fraser?" Ray asks, and I nod.
We sit in silence for a few minutes as I watch him scrawl his name to several reports.
A commotion on the far side of the room draws our attention, and several people dressed for the holiday in Santa suits are shouting at each other.
I glance at Ray and he's frowning. He catches my eye and frowns even more. "Tis the season, huh, Fraser?"
Before I answer, I remind myself that I came here with a purpose. I nod and murmur, "Perhaps, when your shift is over, we could talk?"
He sighs and rubs his face, and his shoulders slump slightly. "Yeah, sure." His reaction puzzles me, but I nod, and assist him in typing in some of the reports so he can get out of here.
The next couple of hours pass quickly and once Ray's shift is over, he heads out to his GTO. I follow behind, perplexed at his mood – he's been rather defensive. He lights a cigarette and leans against his car, looking at me. "So talk." He sounds almost angry, but I can't ascertain why.
"Ah, yes." I shift, not sure how Ray will take my invitation in his current mood. "Would you be amiable to spending the holiday with me?"
"What?" His voice is sharp and it carries through the air. Several people look our way but I won't let that deter me.
"I'd like you to spend Christmas with me."
"You would?" He sounds astonished. "Sorry I sounded so pissy earlier… I figured you'd want to be by yourself instead of me bugging you."
"Yes, I would, and no I don't want to be alone. You never bug me," I tell him firmly.
He blinks and then nods. "Yeah. I'd like that. I'm off for the next three days."
"I know. I thought perhaps you could help me decorate the Christmas tree I bought, and I could cook dinner for us."
"That sounds good. I'd like that," Ray says, smiling at me. His look turns mischievous. "Should I bring my jammies?"
"Yes," I say, smiling.
"Okay, then. What time do you want me to come by?" He tosses his cigarette to the ground and grinds it out under his foot.
"Anytime. Diefenbaker is spending the holiday with Francesca and Ante, so we'll be alone."
He cocks an eyebrow and I stand still, rooted to that one spot as the implications of my statement become clear to me. The corner of his mouth quirks up and he winks at me. My penis immediately throbs and I pull at my collar, trying to distract myself from the physical reaction of my body.
"I'll see you in an hour or two, okay? Gotta go home and pack my jammies." He grins again and then he's getting in his car, driving away. I turn, and head towards my own vehicle.
After Muldoon's capture, and our subsequent return to the States after taking an extended vacation under the guise of an adventure a month ago, I decided that I deserved more out of life than lying alone, my arms empty night after night, on a cot in my office. I bought a Jeep, rented an apartment, and began to seriously consider approaching Ray.
I want him to know I love him.
I know his lease is up in February. I would love for him to share my home, and my life, with me. God give me the courage to show him what he truly means to me, and allow him to be able to accept me. Hell, I don't know if he's even ever been with a man, if he can even accept being loved by a man – or loving one.
Two Hours Later
I'm finishing up the chicken I've got in the oven, when I hear a knock at my door. I wipe my hands on a towel and open the door for Ray. "Come in."
"Thanks, Fraser. Here." He shoves a gift in my arms and I smile as I move out of his way. Sunday newspaper comics wrapping paper is definitely Ray. He tosses down a duffel bag and stretches. "I'm beat."
"Long shift?" I ask, putting the gift under the tree next to the gift I purchased for him and turn to look at him. His shirt is riding up, and I stare unabashedly at the bare skin exposed. He drops his arms and groans.
"You got no clue. Wackos, Fraser. Wackos." Ray grins at me and my heart melts anew. "Food smells good."
"Good. It'll be done shortly, and then you can get a nap, if you'd like?"
Ray shrugs and at my questioning look, explains, "Maybe I'll get my second wind by then."
"Don't fuss, Fraser. It's okay."
"All right, Ray. I was just concerned."
He shakes his head and smiles. "It's snowing again."
"Oh?" Going to the window, I pull the curtains aside and peer out. Large flakes drift lazily down from a grey sky and I smile. Ray steps up behind me, and I remain still, wanting to savour his nearness.
Quietly, he says, "Pretty, huh?"
"Yes. Yes it is."
We look out at the falling snow for a bit longer, then he moves away from me, so I drop the curtain and head back into the kitchen.
Soon enough, dinner is on the table and while we eat, we talk of inconsequential matters.
He rinses and dries the dishes as I wash them, and I smile, thinking of how we are truly a duet, just as he said when we first met.
"What's so funny?" He bumps me with his hip and I bump him back.
He laughs and so do I. I continue washing the dishes for a moment, but then I look at him and say quietly, "I was just thinking of our partnership."
Ray stops drying the plate in his hands and looks at me, a surprised look on his face.
I explain myself. "We're a duet." He nods and a small smile quirks his lips. "Ray?"
"Yeah?" He puts the plate in the cabinet, his back to me.
"You mean the world to me." I hold my breath, wondering what possessed me to say that, but hoping he truly understands what I mean. Ray turns and looks at me. I look back. Finally, he nods, and I let go of the breath I'm holding.
"So. The tree," he says, putting up the dishtowel.
"Let's get to it."
So, we do.
Finally, the tree is finished, and Ray sits down on the couch, sprawling out as his wont. I sit next to him, admiring our handiwork.
"Looks good, doesn't it?"
"Yes, it does."
He glances at me. "Seems quiet here without Dief."
In silence we sit, and watch the sparkling lights on the tree. I turn to say something to him, and he's asleep, his head sideways against the corner of the couch. And even though I've not said anything, even though my courage hasn't extended to actually telling him I love him yet, I reach out and touch his cheek. His eyes remain closed, but his hand comes up and covers mine. I think I actually stop breathing. Then he squeezes my hand. He opens his eyes and looks at me, and I lean closer to him. He doesn't move, he just watches me, and then my lips cover his.
His eyes slowly close, and he kisses back with fervour, such fervour I never expected, never dared to hope for. My heart beats fast as I cup his face with my other hand, my tongue sliding against his.
Ray pulls away first, breathing heavily and I watch him, concerned, worried that I've taken advantage of him. He shakes his head at me, and says quietly, "It's not that. I've just never… uh… kissed a guy or anything before."
"I understand, Ray." I start to pull back, move out of his personal space, when he takes my hand in his.
"Don't. Okay? I mean, I thought about us plenty, but…" he looks sheepish, "guess the reality is different."
Cautiously, I ask, "Different in a bad way?"
"Nah. Just… you feel different than what I'm used to. I'm tired too. Can we hit the hay?"
I nod. "Of course. Would you like to sleep –"
"I'll take the side by the door," he announces, standing up with a yawn.
That's not what I was going to ask, but the idea of him in my bed thrills me, so I don't argue the point. I certainly am not going to give up the chance to hold him close while he sleeps.
We make our way to my bedroom and I watch avidly as he starts to disrobe. He winks at me, then rummages in his duffel bag. "Here." He tosses something at me, and I catch it.
"Pyjamas?" I ask, astounded, staring down at the gaudily patterned blue flannel material.
He laughs, and shows me some red ones in his duffel. "Mum got them for us. She says all gay men need matching pyjamas."
"For us?" I question, wondering if I look as stunned as I feel.
"Yeah." Ray looks at me, almost defiantly. "I told her I loved you and –"
Rudely, I interrupt him. I know, inexcusable, but I cannot help it. "You love me?"
"Yeah. Is that okay?" He looks away then, and his shoulders slump, as in defeat, and he mutters, "Sorry." I put the pyjamas on the bed and move closer to him.
"Ray. I have a confession." He still doesn't look at me, and I touch his shoulder. "Ray, look at me, please." He turns to face me then, looking all the world like I'm going to reject him, and not for the first time do I curse the woman he once loved for hurting him so badly. I pull him into my arms, hugging him like he did me the first time ever I saw him. "Ray. Ray… I love you too. Don't be sorry. I'm not." Hesitantly, his arms come up around me and I continue speaking. "I just didn't know how to tell you. I've loved you a long time. I want you to spend my life with me."
"You mean it?" Ray asks, drawing away from me slightly to look me in the eye.
"I mean it."
We stand there, our arms around each other, holding each other tight, two oh-so-very lonely men who deserve happiness and love, and who have found each other despite the many obstacles in our way.
I wake, disoriented for a moment as I struggle to adjust these damn pyjamas Ray talked me into wearing. They're wrapped around me as tight as a rope, but they made him laugh, at least. A glance at the clock tells me it's a little after one in the morning.
I turn towards Ray. "Yes Ray?"
"Sorry I woke you. Had to go pee. Merry Christmas."
"Not a problem, Ray. Merry Christmas to you too."
His voice is quiet and reflective as he says, "This is more'n I ever hoped for, Fraser."
"It's everything I hoped for, Ray." I take his hand in mine, and hold it as I close my eyes preparatory to going back to sleep. I feel his fingers brush down the front of the shirt and then start undoing the buttons. My eyes fly open. "Ray?"
His fingers still, and he whispers, "Is this okay?"
"Yes," I assure him, squeezing his hand once before releasing it so that he can have both hands free. He makes quick work of the buttons, and then pushes the shirt open and slides his hands across my bare skin. I tremble, so very unused to another person's hands on my body.
He scoots next to me, his mouth finding mine, and I wish desperately that we were both naked, but I know he's rather uncertain about making love with me, so I don't broach my wish out loud. Instead, I touch him just as I imagined I would if I was ever given this chance.
With a breathless, "God yes, Fraser," he straddles me, and I can feel his erection against mine. Something inside me breaks free, and I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer, and the world narrows to just he and I as we love together.
He breaks our kiss, and begins undressing, pushing his shirt off and tossing it away from the bed.
"God, Ray," I whisper as I put my hands on his bare torso, feeling so much love for this impossible, beautiful man in my arms.
"Yeah," he breathes, leaning forward and kissing the corner of my mouth. Then he climbs off of me and I feel more alone than I ever have in my life.
"Ray?" Do I sound as lost as I feel?
"Hang on Fraser. Fuck," he curses and I laugh when I realise he's trying to wiggle out of those garish pants. I take that as an invitation to also disrobe, so I pull off my pants and underwear, and reach for him.
He comes back in my arms immediately and I whimper as he rocks against me, unprepared for how good, how right, he feels against me, and as pleasure spirals through my body all too quickly, I hold him tight through his orgasm, feeling his heart beat against mine.
Early morning dawn steals through the curtains, illuminating his face, and now, now that I've been given leave to touch, I do. I softly kiss the back of his hand, then his fingers, before sucking them into mouth, and then I kiss his palm and then his wrist.
I look up at him, and he's watching me, his eyes sleepy and warm. I see the love he has for me in his eyes, and hope he can see the same in mine.
I drop a kiss to his flat stomach, then lick down to his penis. I can smell and taste where we loved hours before, and I harden, my eyes closing in pleasure as I take him into my mouth.
His hands, gentle, cup my head as I move my mouth on him, feeling him harden on my tongue.
He never says a word as he spends himself in my mouth, but when he pulls me up and kisses me, his hand curling around my penis, he whispers, "I fucking love you, Fraser." I groan, thrusting into the circle of his hand, never wanting this moment to end, but end it does, all too soon, and when I'm slumped in his arms, his long fingers tracing random patterns on my back, I say, "Forever I'll love you, Ray." He presses a kiss to the top of my head, and his arms tighten around me, and I know whatever comes, we'll be together.
"My lease is up in February," Ray says softly, his fingers still moving on my back.
"Move in with me. Live with me. Forever," I say, recklessly, feeling invincible in his arms.
"If you want me," he says.
I smile against his chest. "I want you."
"Then you got me."
"Thank you," I tell him, dropping a kiss to his nipple.
He laughs a little and then pulls the blankets up over our bodies. "Go to sleep, Fraser. Round three'll be after we wake up and eat a little bit… in front of the tree."
"Right you are, Ray."
I smile, closing my eyes, and my last thought is how this is truly everything I had hoped for.