Pack Song



Written 7 July 2002

Sequel to "Wolf Song"

This work is not to be archived or shared in any way
without the express written permission of the author. Thank you.

Freaks. Still howling at the moon – him and Dief, right after we make love, after five years of being together.

I love him even though he's a freak, even though he's unhinged.

Me and Ben, we're good together, I think. I think he thinks so too.

Could have knocked me over when Ben called me to come back to Inuvik five years ago. There I was, sitting on my loveseat, looking around the apartment, wondering how in the hell I was going to go back to living here, and the phone rang.

"Hello?" I remember picking up the phone and looking at it like it was a monster, or something. It seemed weird to talk on the damn thing. I mean, who knew I was back?


"Hey, Fraser!" I was beyond tickled to hear from him. I missed him so fucking much. Nothing like going for a visit and leaving my heart behind, ya know?

"Ray… I, er… well –"

"Yeah, Fraser?"

He took a deep breath. "I have been talking to Diefenbaker."

Oh shit. "Uh, yeah?"

"He informs me that you love me and that you are pack."

Oh double shit. "Uh…"

"Would you please come home?" His voice breaks a little and I don't say anything, just stare at the blank TV, beyond stunned and wondering what in the hell he means. When I don't speak, he says, sounding sad, "I understand Ray. I don't –"

"Wait," I blurt, my hand tightening around the phone. "What… what… how? I mean, as what? Your friend? What? You know how I feel thanks to the Furry Guy but I don't know what you're feeling there, Fraser."

He's quiet for a long time and then, "I need you. I miss you. I love you."

"You do?" I wonder if I sound as fucking freaked as I feel.

"I do."

"I, uh –" I look around, wondering how quick I can get back to Canada. "Give me two weeks."


"Not 'oh'," I snap. "I gotta quit, give notice – can't just up and never show up again, that wouldn't be cool. Welsh deserves better. I gotta pack. Find someone to sublet the apartment."


"Yeah," I say quietly, "I'm coming back. If you're serious."

"I am. I – would – would you like me to come down and help you? Help you pack?" He sounds hesitant, like he thinks I'm just gonna turn him down.

"Yeah. I'd like that a lot."

"I'll be there in two days." He sounds more assured now. "I need to let my superior know I need to take some leave to help you move here."

Warily, I ask, "How's that gonna go over?" I'm nervous, I can't help it. I've never been with a guy, never even thought about it until I fell in love with Fraser, and I don't want the bad shit that I've heard goes down sometimes when a cop is outed to happen to Fraser.

"What do you mean?"

"Fraser, you're not that oblivious. C'mon. Two guys, okay? We're two guys –"

Sounding pissed, he snaps, "I don't give a damn how someone else views our relationship, Ray. Dief helped me to realise that."

"That's good and all, Fraser, but maybe you better!" I shout, standing up. "I don't want you dead for loving me! Maybe it'd be better if I never came. Maybe it'd be –"

"Ray, I'll die without you, don't you see that? Don't you see how I love you? How much I need you?" His voice is low and quiet, and sends chills up my spine.

I sit back down, fucking worn out from this conversation. "Fraser, I –"

"If… if you would rather not –"

"It's not that, geez! It's –"

"– love me –"

"Damn it! I do love you, Fraser. God. I –"

"Then come. Come to Canada. Love me. Be with me and Diefenbaker. And Sascha, too, of course," he adds hastily at Dief's loud complaint, which makes me wince, the way Dief's voice carries over the phone line.

I counter, "Come to Chicago. Help me move. We'll talk some more."

"And you'll come? You'll come?" He sounds sad and worried and nervous.

"Yeah, Ben. I'll come."

"I'll see you in two days. All right?" He still sounds like he's wound tighter than a spring.

"Yes. Two days. I'll meet you at O'Hare. Call me with your flight times. Two days, okay?"

"I will."

"Goodbye, Fraser. I – I love you, okay? Don't think I don't."

"I love you too, Ray. Goodbye."

When I met him at the airport, he wouldn't look at me, wouldn't meet my eyes. I never – I thought it'd be different. I dunno. We were both upset, I guess.

We drove to my apartment in silence, and I didn't know what to say, what to do.

He stepped inside, looked around at the boxes all over the place and then he looked at me. "You're packing."

"Well, yeah, I sort of have to – oof!" He pulled me close, hugging me tight.

I hugged him back. "You didn't think I meant it?" He's a nutcase sometimes, but God, I can't live without him even if he does make me lose it.

Releasing me, he stepped back and said, his voice quiet, "I wasn't sure you – you seemed hesitant about –"

"Not about us!" I'm shouting already. Jesus, he drives me fucking crazy sometimes. "About what's going to happen to you if someone finds out you're fucking me!"

"Ray, Ray, Ray," Fraser says, his voice soothing, trying to calm me down, I guess. But I'm on a roll, have to tell him, can't keep it in.

"Can't stand the thought of someone hurting you because of you loving me, Fraser. Can't."

"Because you love me."

Look him right in the face. "Because I love you."

"Oh, Ray." Fraser's back over in my space and he touches my face real gentle-like, and then he kisses me.

His lips are soft and his hand cups the back of my head as we squish closer together, me holding on tight to his flannel shirt, our tongues sliding against each other's, and he makes this really needy noise right before he pulls away from me. I protest, but he just strokes his fingers across my cheek and says quietly, "Don't leave me over this, Ray. It will be all right, I promise. Gay couples have more rights in Canada than they do here. We'll be okay. I'll be okay. We can apply for domestic partnership which is almost as good as being married. I want – I want that with you."

"Homophobes are everywhere," I sigh, rubbing my forehead before hugging him. "Ain't gonna leave ya, you freak. Love you. And yeah, I want that too. Like marriage."

"I love you too. Probably more than you realise," Fraser says softly, hugging me back. "Very much like marriage."

"Already almost married," I say softly, looping my arms around his shoulders and looking into his eyes.

"Almost. As soon –" I kiss his cheek and he hugs me tight again, "As soon as we get back to Canada. We'll get married."

"Sounds good. Real good," I murmur, dropping kisses all over his face.

He laughs and kisses me back, and pretty soon we're sort of swaying to a music only we can hear, until I see the papers on the kitchen table.

"C'mere. I need your help." I take his hand and lead him over there. "I can't make heads or tails out of these forms."

He stares down at the forms I got from the Consulate like he can't believe it. "Ray?"

"Well, fuck, Fraser. They told me I gotta get these filed before I can really live there with you. Otherwise I can't stay and –"

"Oh Ray." He breathes against my neck, holding me tight again and then, "Let's go – please, Ray – to bed. I know – I know that they have to be filled out, but right now… right now, I need you."

"Yeah." I grin at him, only a little nervous, and nod. "Me too." I've been thinking about this – hell, I've hardly thought of anything else! – since Fraser called me two days ago. Funny how after a couple of years of being partners and friends, two damned days could be so hard to wait.

We make our way to my bedroom, and he starts undressing really quick, trying to get me naked at the same time, and it's not really working well.

"Fraser, let me undress myself!"

"All right," he says slowly, and I feel like I kicked him in the head.

"Or, undress me after you undress yourself." I smile at him and run my hand down his chest. It should feel weird, shouldn't it? Touching another man – a half naked man – like that? It doesn't, though.

His eyes light up and he grins at me, hurriedly undressing, not even giving me a chance to see everything he's got before he pushes me onto the bed and starts undressing me while he's kissing me.

When he gets me completely undressed, he stares at me, and I blush, I can't help it. "What?" I snap, feeling really out of my depth.

"You're beautiful." He shakes his head a little and bends down and a places a gentle kiss on my hipbone.

"Fraser – Ben – I – God, I love you." I hear my voice shaking, and he looks at me, looks at me hard, and then covers my body with his, and we lay there, holding each other for a long, long time.

Then I tell him, real quiet, "I have to be with you. You've got my heart."

"I love you, Ray." He nuzzles my throat and then kisses me deeply.

I lose myself in that kiss. That kiss, that kiss, and his hands, his body, the way he wants me, this is real, and when he slides his hand down between us, I just spread my legs wider, letting him touch me wherever he wants. Because it's what I want too. I'm sort of scared, but I want him, and want him to be inside me – and I whisper that right in his ear.

He kisses me all over my face and promises, "I won't hurt you, Ray. Not ever."

He reaches over to the nightstand and grabs the new bottle of lube I bought for just him – for us. Once he slicks up his hand, I shiver when he touches me. He murmurs again, "Won't hurt you."

"Only if you leave," I say, shaking now that he's got two fingers inside me.

"Never." His voice is rough and tender, and I try to crawl inside him. He kisses me again, and then he's reaching over, trying to get something out of my nightstand.

"Huh? What?" I say, feeling drugged. His kisses are fucking awesome, and I'm so hard I could drill for oil.

"Condoms," he says, sounding desperate.

"What? Why?" I blink.

"Lovemaking," he grunts, reaching further into the drawer of my nightstand.

"Don't need condoms…"

"You don't – you don't want to use condoms?" Fraser asks, looking startled.

"No. You're it, right? For me? I'm it for you, right? Wanna feel you in me." I squirm under him, rubbing my cock against him. He moans and nods, lifting my legs up and pressing into me, and damn it hurts.

"Ohhh Fraser," I moan, squeezing my eyes closed and he stops right then.

"Sssh," Fraser murmurs, kissing me again, touching my cock, trying to distract me, I know.

I press my face against his throat. "It hurts, okay?"

"I'm sorry, Ray, I –"

"Just, just don't move."

"I won't Ray," Fraser says. Then, his voice soft and gentle, he whispers, "We'll be together, Ray, and never be apart from each other. We'll spend the rest of our lives together, we'll be pack, we'll love forever. I won't allow you to hurt, and you won't allow me to hurt, and together, together we'll be so perfect. I'm not a religious man, Ray, I'm not, you know that, but I thank God for the day you walked into my life, the day I met you. That's when I truly knew love, knew what real love could be, and you'll continue to show me, won't you?"

I stare up at him, and then touch his face and nod, too choked up to even say a word, and the fear I'm feeling over going into this relationship, it sort of starts sliding away as he begins to move a little inside me and I relax, and it doesn't hurt anymore. Like always, he knows what I need.

I tighten my grip on him and sort of move a little and he sighs and moves faster, harder, and then he groans, holding me tight, and he comes already. Before I can complain he reaches down between us and begins stroking my cock just right. Between his hand on my dick and his cock in my ass still, and the words he said echoing through my head, I'm fucking flying and before long I'm coming too.

Carefully, he pulls out of me and I wince a little. He drops a kiss to my forehead and climbs out of bed. "Where you going?"

"To get a towel," he says, heading out of the bedroom.

Then I hear my front door open. "Stanley? Benton?!"

"Mrs. Kowalski!" Ben exclaims and I groan, pushing myself out of bed and grabbing some shorts and Ben's jeans.

Just what I need – my mom showing up and catching Ben naked. With my come all over him. Talk about embarrassing.

"Mum! Jeez," I say weakly as I come into the living room, seeing Ben hiding behind the loveseat and my mum covering her face. I thrust Ben's jeans at him and he jerks them on. I stare at him, never realising someone could blush all over their body before. Cool.

"Stanley!" My mum wails, uncovering her face and pulling me into a hug.

"Mum! It's okay! We were gonna tell you, really –"

"Mrs. Kowalski, I swear to you, I'll marry him," Ben says earnestly.

"M-marry him?" She sinks down into the chair, and looks really shocked now.

"Ben! Fraser! God!" I splutter, going to get her a cup of water. "Here Mum, take a drink of this."

"What is it?" she asks, taking the cup and looking Fraser up and down.

"Water, what else?" I ask, sitting on the arm of the chair. "Mum. Really. We – I –"

"Do you love my son?" Mum asks, giving Fraser the eagle eye. I remember this eagle eye directed at Stella long ago, and slump back, wondering what Fraser's gonna say. As I'm sitting there, Fraser's come leaking out of my ass, and my come on his stomach, I think about what the hell I'm gonna do if my mum doesn't like him, like me and him being together. Then I look at him, and suddenly everything's okay. He's the fucking important thing in my life. She never liked Stella, so even if she doesn't like Ben, I'll deal. I love her, but he's my fucking soul.

"I love him more than life itself, Mrs. Kowalski," Ben says quietly. "I'm terribly sorry you had to learn about –"

"That's enough, Benton. You treat him right, or else. Not like Stella."

"No, ma'am. Never like Stella." Ben shakes his head and then smiles at me. I grin back and hug my mum.

"Thanks, Mum."

"Now, boys, I hate to run, but your father is waiting out in the car. I just came in to give you the key back to your apartment so whoever rents it has it, and to get the address where you'll be in Canada."

Fraser's looking flummoxed, and so I explain. "Told them I was moving up there with you, Fraser. They're going back to Arizona. Can you write our address down?"

"Yes, of course," he says, going to get the pad of paper beside the refrigerator.

"Stanley, I'm sure that since you and Benton are getting married, he might appreciate you using his name, not his surname."

"Oh, yeah, Mum. Yeah. Okay."

Fraser hands her our address, saying, "I don't mind, Mrs. –"

"Mum. You call me Mum just like Stanley, Benton. You are going to marry him, aren't you?"

"Mum!" God, can she embarrass me any more?

"Yes, Mum. I am. If he'll have me," Fraser says with a hopeful look in my direction.

"Like I'm going to say no? Already told you yes, freak." I laugh and then kiss my mum as Fraser goes into the bathroom, hopefully to get cleaned up a little. "Thanks, Mum. For understanding."

"All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy, Stanley. That's all." She searches my face and then sniffles a little, tears leaking out of her eyes. "My little boy, you're all grown up now."

My face heats up. "Mum, I was married to Stella for years. Of course I'm grown up."

"She wasn't good enough for you, Stanley. You know that!"

I sigh. She tried to tell me not to marry Stella, she did. "But you like Ben?"

"He's such a nice boy! And is he the top?"

"MUM!" I almost fall off the chair, mortified.

"I just want you to be careful. You know, all these diseases –"

"Mum, no one has any diseases. We're good."

"Well, I should go. You'll write? Call?"

"Yeah, Mum, we will. I love you." I finally get her to leave and I turn around and Ben's laughing quietly.


"Am I the top?" He starts to shake, he's laughing so hard, and I start laughing too, slumping against the door.

He comes over and helps me up and we hug. He kisses me and then we get to work packing and filling out forms so I can go to Canada. And as we're doing that, as we're getting me ready to go to Canada to live with him, I realise that I gotta trust in us, that it's okay to be worried and all, but giving up the love he has for me and the love I have for him isn't going to help anything – he could still get hurt. It'd hurt worse if we were apart.

"You get it?" he asks me quietly, hugging me from behind.

"Yeah. I get it. Finally."


We did get married, and it wasn't just to appease my Mum. Like we decided in Chicago, we both wanted that. We're forever. Wearing this ring on my left hand means a lot to me. And to him.

Life here in Inuvik is good. It's good being part of a pack. Dief, and Sascha, and the latest litter of pups, and of course me and Ben. Yeah, pack. We're pack.

Sometimes, when the moon is full, and it's just snowed, we'll stand out and look up at the moon and the pack will sing.

Like Dief says, it is as it should be.

We are pack.

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