Written 14 August 2002
This work is not to be reproduced in any way or
anywhere without the express written permission of the author.
I heard him ask Fraser. I heard him say the words.
Okay, he said no, thank God. Fraser was nice about it, he always is. I've heard and seen all kind of people throw themselves at Fraser. And he always, really politely, says no.
And when Bruce told him they didn't know I wasn't asleep sleeping on the floor sucks! Anyway, Fraser just really gently told him no, and Bruce seemed to accept that.
And now, now that the case is done, now that it's over with, I wonder what he'd say if I asked? Would he say no? I'm sort of scared to ask. I've never been good with rejection look at Stella, she's a prime example of me not being able to handle rejection.
But then I think, what the hell. Maybe he likes me enough to say yes. Maybe he likes me enough to love me. I know I love him. Weird, isn't it? That I could love him so quick?
I can't help it.
I love Benton Fraser RCMP. I've never been with another man, never even thought about it, but with him, yeah I think about it a lot.
Between jerking off constantly and plain out wanting him, I gotta do something before I go nuts.
Two Weeks Later
We wrapped the Orsini case. I wanted to be alone for a while, but even though I danced in my apartment alone, thinking about Stella at first, eventually I started thinking about my partner. We work good together, and he didn't freak out over me being a jerk and, well, stalking Stella. I was wrong to do that. I was real wrong. And I'm sorry I did it. I wrote her a long letter, explaining that I knew I was wrong and that it would never happen again. I sent it, and a dozen roses, to her office. She called me and told me she accepted my apology.
So life goes on, we learn from our mistakes. Not that Stella was a mistake, precisely, but the things I did, the things I tried to hang onto, the things I did when I couldn't hang on anymore, those were mistakes.
I don't want to make with Fraser the same kind of mistakes that I made with Stella.
See, when, when things got rough there at the end, the end of me and Stella, I sort of got crazy. I don't handle rejection well, and when she moved out, I drank a lot, tried to drown the loneliness.
It didn't work.
I started smoking again too. But you know what? I quit when Fraser told me it bugged him. How pathetic is that?
I'm dry too. I, uh I can't have alcohol anymore. It makes life too easy and too hard all at once.
So, anyway, even though I wanted to be alone for a little while, I don't want to be alone forever. I decide I'm going to try to let Fraser know I'm interested. I figure I don't have a snowball's chance in hell, but I'm going to try anyway.
I gather my courage up and ask him to dinner. "So, uh, Fraser, you want to go get dinner?"
"That would be wonderful, Ray. Thank you." Fraser settles himself in the car, and he looks good real good wearing jeans and a t-shirt that's loose on him, with hiking boots. No hat. Makes me want to run my fingers through his hair.
I pull up outside this little steak place that I think Fraser will like, and when I jump out of the car and open his door for him, I realise I'm being well, stupid.
"Sorry," I mumble, embarrassed as hell.
He just smiles at me and says, "Thank you kindly, Ray."
"You're welcome." I'm still embarrassed, and I know it shows, but I don't know what to do about it. I have no idea what to say. I've never been smooth, I'm just some geeky guy who falls in love hard, and stays in love.
Yeah, I'll love Stella forever, but I'm not in love with her, not anymore.
So we get seated and he orders wine with dinner and looks at me sort of strange when I order coffee. I never thought he'd drink. So now I have to explain.
"Uh. I can't drink anymore. I, uh shit, Fraser," I stumble all over my words, embarrassed and humiliated what's he gonna think?
"You're an alcoholic?"
I cringe. He's gonna think I'm a wuss, I'm sure of it.
"Ray?" His voice is soft and low, and I look up, not sure what kind of look to expect to see on his face. He's not making fun of me, though, he just looks thoughtful. He waves the waiter over and changes his wine order to hot tea, and now I'm feeling really miserable.
"Fraser you don't "
The waiter scurries over with a cup and saucer and places it front of Fraser.
When he leaves, I try again. "Fraser, look "
"Ray, it's all right." He smiles at me, that big open smile that I'm always seeing when we're alone. I smile back a little and he sighs. "You could have told me before I do understand."
"Yeah, well." I shrug and search through my pocket for some candy to put in my coffee. "Shit. I'm out." I sigh and sip my coffee, looking at him all the while.
"You were ashamed?" Fraser pushes.
I set my cup down and take a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I am. I hate being this way. I can't you don't know how hard it is to date when you're an alcoholic."
"Is this a date?" He looks at me steadily and I draw a shaky breath.
"If I said yes, what would you say?" My voice is shaking too. I'm so nervous.
"I'd say thank you," Fraser says to the waiter as he places a basket of bread on our table.
"Go away," I growl. The waiter glares at me, but leaves.
Fraser slices the small loaf of bread and butters it for me. I wonder what he's thinking. "You know, Ray "
I pick the piece of bread off of the saucer and take a bite. "Yeah?"
"If you said it was a date "
I hold my breath.
" I'd accept."
"You would?" Damn, is that my voice? I never realised I could squeak like that.
"Yes, I would." He's grinning at me and I grin back, feeling a lot better.
Just then the waiter brings our food, and we don't talk about dating we talk about snow, sled dogs and the best way to choose a team, the new computer system at the precinct that I'm having so much trouble with, and one of my favourite subjects turtles.
"You know a remarkable amount about turtles, Ray."
"Thanks, Fraser. I love them. I have one, you know."
"Yes, I saw the terrarium."
We decline desert and when he starts to pay, I frown at him. "Fraser, I asked you. My treat."
"Ray, if "
"Is this not a date? Did you change your mind?"
"No, Ray. By all means, proceed."
When we get outside, it's raining. We run for the car and I unlock his side first. He slides in and reaches over and unlocks my door. We're both wet.
"Ray?" I turn and look at him and he licks his lips.
He leans forward and brushes his lips across mine, real gentle like, and when the kiss ends, I pull back and look at him.
"You want "
"Yes, Ray, I want."
I get us to my apartment as quick as I can, and then, once we're inside, he takes my hand and leads me to my bedroom.
We help each other undress, never saying a word, and then we get in bed together. Before I have a chance to feel uncertain or worried, Fraser presses up against me, his dick hard against mine, and I'm moaning as his teeth and lips are all over my throat.
I never expected him to want me this much. It's intense, it's a rush like I've never felt... I never want it to stop, never want him to stop touching me. God, I love him.
He's all over me, kissing and touching, licking and biting, and I'm moaning or is that him? I dunno. All I know is I don't even know where I end and he starts and I'm finally, finally, feeling something I've looked for all my life, wanted and needed and never had. Not with Stella even.
"Oh yeah," I gasp, cupping his head in my hands as he trails kisses down my chest, stopping to lick my nipples.
He's mumbling, which shocks the holy crap outta me never thought he'd be a talker in bed. I force myself to gather up the one brain cell that I've got left and listen.
"Love you, so beautiful, wonderful, what a wonderful gift you are, Ray," he's saying, and I choke, just overwhelmed by those words.
"I love you, Fraser."
He stops kissing me and looks up at me, his eyes wide. He looks shocked, surprised.
"I love you," I repeat for good measure. He slides up my body, presses his cheek against mine and hugs me, hugs me so tight I can hardly breathe.
"Leggo." Breathing is a good thing. A necessary thing. He releases me and looks down at me. I smile up at him and kiss him, real gentle on his lips and say it again, just because I can. "I love you."
"I love you," he says quietly. "I've loved you since I met you."
"Yeah?" I can't help but feel pleased at that. Thank God this isn't one sided.
"Yeah," he grins, sliding back down to kiss and lick on me some more hell, who am I to interfere? I'm not going to complain.
"Loved you forever," he mumbles against my stomach. Finally, his tongue slides down past my belly button and he stops, rising up on hands and knees to stare down at my dick.
"What?" Oh God, what if I'm not, I dunno, big enough or something? What if he's changed his mind? Oh God, I think I'm going to have a panic attack.
"You " he slides his fingers across my skin there and I relax.
"Yeah, I keep it shaved." I wonder if that's really my voice shaking so bad?
"I've never seen anything like that."
Pushing myself up a little, I look down at myself and then back up at him. "You don't like it?" God, can I sound any more like a dork?
"No, it's delightful. Very sexy," he says in a low, hoarse, sexy voice, and I get even harder. He runs his tongue across my skin I'm so fucking glad I shaved last night and I'm like, moaning and whimpering and he takes me into his mouth, sucking just right, swallowing me whole, eating me alive.
His hands he's got big hands, beautiful hands, gentle hands are holding me, cupping my ass, and I'm jerking in his mouth, coming, coming, and oh God! can it get any better?
Ben's licking me, licking me real careful and then he kisses my stomach again and says, "Can I? Do you want to do that with me?"
"Do what?" I don't know what he's talking about.
He licks my belly button and slides his fingers into my butt crack.
Oh. I get it.
"Uh never done that with anyone," I say real quick. I don't know if I can. I mean, I looked at him he's huge. Well, I've never looked at any guy so up close before. He's thicker and longer than me, though, I know that. And a helluva lot bigger than his fingers.
"Oh." He looks disappointed but tries to hide it real quick. He places more kisses on my stomach and slides his hand down and begins to stroke himself.
"Can I can I do that? Touch you?" I hate how my voice is shaking. I hate feeling this weird in bed. I feel sort of guilty for not letting him, but I'm just not ready for that yet.
"Please," he moans as my hand fastens around his cock and I kiss him, putting everything I've got into those kisses, into bringing him off this way, into showing him I want him, but we gotta go slow.
He's shaking and moaning my name and then he sort of stiffens and comes all over my hand.
I curl into him and, still holding his dick, kiss his throat. "Sorry to disappoint you."
"No, it's it's all right, Ray." He sounds sleepy. "Someday, perhaps."
"Yeah. I just never it's not you. You're just the only guy, okay? I just I wanna take it slow."
He wraps his arms around me and gives me a big hug. "That's fine, Ray."
"Thanks Fraser." I let go of his dick and hug him back.
He kisses me again, sloppy, sleepy kisses and then we're both sliding towards sleep and it feels good. It feels real good.
He didn't say no.
He said yes. And I'm hoping that he says yes for a very long time. Forever would be good.
"I won't say no," he mumbles, kissing the side of my mouth. "I can't say no."
"Yeah?" I yawn.