In A Split Second
Written 9 July 2002
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It's amazing how your life can change in a split second, isn't it? You'll be minding your own business and something comes along and turns your world upside down and inside out.
That's the way it was for me when I met Ray my Ray, Ray Kowalski, years ago.
I never expected to find love, you see. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life alone, without someone to love, to cherish, to grow old with.
Then Ray sauntered into my life, smiling and sexy he hugged me, put his arm around me, had no qualms about touching me, getting into my personal space forcing me to feel. To live.
And Lord, I was afraid of him.
I was afraid of what he could do to me. You see, I realised within the first week of knowing him, actually that I was in love with him. But love, loving, had never been a good thing, a safe thing, for me. And so I was afraid.
But he sent my mind in a different direction than I was expecting - he wanted to be friends. Pushed and bullied and most of all, needed me to be his friend. I wanted to be his. So, we became friends. We spent time together outside of our profession, going out to dinner, to the cinema, to sporting events.
And if at night my traitorous body and mind conspired against me, what of it? I could no more stop dreaming of Ray and wanting Ray than I could stop being his friend.
Then one night he asked me to come to his bed.
We'd grown closer and closer, and there were times when I thought he was interested in me as more than a friend, but being unused to affection, I thought perhaps I was overstating my value to him. I had nothing to judge it against.
And then, one night, in a split second, my life changed. Again.
It was Christmas and we were at Ray's apartment, having decided to exchange gifts in private, rather than at the 27th Precinct's annual holiday party.
He sat next to me on his loveseat and stared at me.
"Do you care about me?"
That was the last thing I expected him to say. I nodded, unable to tear my gaze off of his mouth, wondering, as was my wont, what his mouth would taste like. He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on my lips, just a mere brushing of his lips against mine, but I was immediately addicted and knew I would want more.
He reached up and touched my lips. "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." I looked at him, and he grinned and shrugged. "Harry Met Sally."
"Ah." I bent my head, thinking for a moment, then took his hand in mine. "I love thee, I love but thee with a love that shall not die 'Till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old." When he just stared at me, I murmured, "Shakespeare."
"Oh." He sounded breathless, and he leaned into me. Slipping his arm around me, he whispered into my ear, his breath hot against my skin, "Come to bed with me. Forever. Be mine, Fraser."
I swallowed hard and nodded.
"Are you sure?" he whispered again. And had I not been holding his hand clutching it really, I might not have realised that he was as nervous as I. His hand trembled in mine and I turned and looked at him.
"Yes, Ray. I'm sure. I'm scared, but I'm sure."
"Scared? Of me?" He pulled back, astonished.
"Yes, in a way," I admitted. "Love has not been kind to me, Ray."
"Well, it's sure as hell hasn't to me!" Ray shook his head. "If it was, I wouldn't be here."
Stung, I looked at him. I laid my heart out for him, and he still prefers Stella over me?
"No, wait that didn't come out right." Ray rubbed his forehead and tried again. "I'm not saying that I love her more, okay? It's just that it's hard trying again when you're afraid that you're gonna get dumped again."
"Why in the world would I dump you, Ray?"
"It's like, I dunno, Fraser," he continues on as if I hadn't spoken, "I've got this sad attraction to people who are out of my league or something."
"I'm not out of your league," I tell him, my voice quiet. "I have faults, just like everyone. I feel as if I have more than other people, actually."
He nods, and stands, still holding my hand. "No matter what, Fraser, I want you. In my life. My heart. My bed."
"I want to be there."
"Then come on."
He undressed me with what I've now come to realise as uncommon care, pressing gentle, sweet kisses on my body. He touched each scar, pressing his lips against my skin so gently that I almost didn't even feel him touching me.
When we twined our bodies together and he pressed inside me, I murmured, " Did my heart love till now? Forswear it sight, for I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."
He gave a choking cry and clutched me, his hips moving, sliding his penis in and out of me, causing me to shiver and moan. Panting, he licked across my throat and then kissed me hard and deep, his fingers digging into my flesh.
I would never forget this moment, this split second in time when I truly, truly became his and he became mine.
As he just said the other day as we talked about our latest dogs and whether the cabin needed a new roof, "True love doesn't have a happy ending. True love doesn't have an ending."
And it doesn't.
Life may change in a split second, but our love for each other won't.