Other good things came with me being more independent. Namely things going on in bed besides sleeping. Well, okay, we'd done other things before, but just kissing and cuddling. That was pretty much okay with me, for a while, at least. For the longest time after I got out of the hospital, hell, I might as well have been a monk. I mean, we're talking nothing. I figured part of it was probably depression and the rest was probably my seizure meds. Even after Fraser and I started sleeping together, it wasn't any real effort to think pure thoughts, if you know what I mean. But I guess a lot of it must've been in my head, because as I was able to do more, as I felt better about myself, well, the pure thoughts got more impure, if you know what I mean.

The first time I walked all the way around town by myself - and I still think Fraser was tailing me the whole way - I got a hell of a reward: Fraser warmed up some nice kind of wood-scented oil and gave me a massage. As in bare skin, all-over massage. It didn't go any farther than that, because to tell you the truth, I fell asleep while he was doing it, but I think my skin was the happiest it had ever been.

A couple days after that I jerked off in the shower for the first time since my skull got smashed.

Fraser and me, okay, we were basically getting our nerve up, but we both knew it was only a matter of time, and we were both okay with that. Meantime he was doing good with the Inuvik detachment, I was starting to fit in in Inuvik, and we were doing good together.

With all the small-town benefits of Inuvik, including perfect strangers who were happy to give directions to a blind guy and a grocery store that would let a guy owe them for a Coke when he finally made it there solo for the first time ever, came complications.

Namely the weather.

Six inches of snow on the first day of October? You bet your ass. Not to mention freeze your ass. Niri didn't mind going for walks on days like that, but I minded. Even after Fraser had my mom and dad ship up all my cold-weather stuff from our crazy quest through the arctic ("But when are you coming home, Ray?") and I bundled up like an overstuffed mummy. I walked anyway, because it felt too good to move around and too bad not to. By the end of October, we'd added an exercise bike and a kind of walker exerciser at the house, because some days the weather was just too frigging bad to go outside and stroll around, even by Fraser's standards.

Besides, I think he was scared shitless I'd slip on the ice and smash my skull open.

Even on his days off, Fraser didn't always stay home with me. We hadn't really had a conversation yet about how long we were going to stay in Inuvik - or I was going to stay in Inuvik, anyway - but things were going good and there wasn't much reason to talk about leaving right now. So Fraser went hunting with Maggie and Charles. All I can say is, thank goodness nobody expects a blind guy to go hunting or butcher caribou or anything like that. And I didn't do a whole lot of cooking sometimes, either, because I got no idea what to do with moose or bear meat or what have you. Maggie and Fraser even did some hunting with some Inuit friends and brought home some seal parts, and one time one of Maggie's Inuit friends sent over this big tupperware container of some stuff Fraser called Ack Attack, which is pretty much my reaction when I tasted it. Fraser laughed and just said he was glad I hadn't tried it in an Inuit household; a lot of people considered it a delicacy and I might have offended somebody. Come to find out, it was rendered seal fat all whipped up with some sugar and berries. Now, I tell you, I'm as fond of sugar and grease as the next guy, but I can't imagine anybody not having an ack attack over that stuff!

It took Frase a couple days of coaxing to get me to come out and play in the snow, but finally I gave in, let Frase bundle me up in a million layers of thermal stuff, and went on out with him and Niri and Dief in the back yard. It was kind of hard at first getting Niri to just play - she was used to being on duty with me, and I don't think she understood that all the jumping and stumbling around and falling over was for fun. But finally she got into it and we all rolled around in the snow, and Fraser got me right in the face with a snowball, which is pretty poor sport when you're shooting at a blind guy; but I got him down on the snow and stuffed a big handful of snow down the back of his pants in revenge.

And later on, after we'd brushed the snow off the dogs and us and gone inside, after we'd peeled off most of the layers and curled up in front of a nice crackling fire with cushions and blankets and mugs of hot cocoa, cuddling turned to kissing and holding, and for the first time in a long time, all the clothes I was wearing felt like too much instead of too little, and Fraser murmured in my ear, "I'd very much like to undress you, Ray."

I just rolled over into his arms and said, "I'd really, really like you to do that. If I can undress you too."

"I think I can oblige you there," Fraser said, kind of husky.

And he did, and I did, just peeled back layers to soft skin, kind of like friendship. And the fire and Fraser's big warm hands felt good on my skin, and Fraser felt real and I felt real.

And maybe we were the only real things in the world. In the universe. For that moment, at least.

And the cool thing I found it is that making love when you're blind isn't much different than when you're not, because everybody's made love in a dark room, or with their eyes closed, or so close to each other all you could see is skin. The fact is, everybody sees with their hands when they're naked, and Fraser looked pretty damned good to me.

So much warm skin, so soft, so smooth - neither of us were real hairy guys, and the way our skin slid together in the warmth from the fire gave me shivers in the nicest possible way. And Fraser was trying to get his mouth on every part of me he could reach, and that didn't surprise me a bit; this is a guy who puts everything in his mouth, he's like the oral poster boy. And I discovered all over again that having my collarbone licked gives me goosebumps, and women don't have the corner on sensitive nipples, and I'm waaaaaaaay too ticklish around my navel. I also discovered that Fraser apparently had no inhibitions whatsoever about sucking cock, and that his oral talents didn't begin and end with classifying mud and accelerants.

So there I was, getting my brains sucked out through my dick, when I realized that Ray Kowalski wasn't the kind of guy who laid there getting a blowjob while his partner had nothing but a rug to hump. So I pulled Fraser back up beside me - he kind of protested, and man, I'm here to tell you I purely hated to stop him - and told him to shut up, I wasn't through looking. And I found out just how flat and hard his belly is, and that he has the greatest, most perfect firm ass I could ever even imagine getting my hands on, and that he gets the shivers if I scratch real, real softly over the insides of his thighs, and that another guy's uncut dick feels a whole lot different than my own circumcised dick in my hand.

And then I got experimental and found out that precome tastes pretty okay, and things were going pretty well when Fraser got impatient and pulled me around. And I already knew from Stella that 69 isn't a good number for me - hell, I can't pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time, much less eat and be eaten - so I had to push Fraser away, and he was all disappointed about that. So he flipped me around again - I was starting to feel kinda like a yo-yo - and rolled over on top of me. And that felt great, felt warm and solid and safe, and he started kind of rocking on top of me, sliding our dicks together, and that felt even better, so I spread my legs to give him a better angle, grabbed two handfuls of that incredible ass, and just hung on and enjoyed the ride.

And I'm here to tell you that Dief and Niri aren't the only ones in this family who can howl.

We drowsed a little bit, half hour or so, there by the fire, but even after playing in the snow and sex, it was still early, barely dinnertime, and we weren't really sleepy. Fraser threw a casserole in the oven and ran a hot bath, and we both settled into the tub to wash and cuddle.

Nostalgic kind of feeling. I hadn't bathed with someone else since Stella, and believe me, Fraser wasn't Stella. But it felt good, warm water, warm arms, warm solid chest behind my back.

"You're very quiet," Fraser said softly, running the sponge over my chest.

"Yeah, just thinking." I sighed and laid my head back against his shoulder. "This is good. Crazy, but good."

"Crazy?" Fraser prompted.

I chuckled.

"Not supposed to be this easy," I said, more to myself than him. "I mean, look at Stella - I had to be in a bank robbery and piss my pants in front of a bunch of people to even get started with her, and it was years before we were solid. And sex? Man, talk about jumping through hoops before we ever got around to that. L- -- uh - relationships aren't that easy - "

"Love," Fraser said softly.

Okay, he'd said it first, so it was okay to say the "L" word.

"Love isn't that easy," I agreed, okay, snuggling back just a little bit. "It's supposed to be kind of like eating a hot pepper. You bite into it and it burns the fuck out of your mouth, and then the dwarf-things kick in - "

"Endorphins," Fraser chuckled.

"Right, and then you feel good, and you just want more, more, more," I said. "And then later on, that hot pepper burns the fuck out of you again, if you know what I mean."

"Language," Fraser chided, kissing the back of my neck.

"This is more like, I don't know, eating a really, really good pizza," I said. "Tastes sooooooo good, you just want to eat nice and slow, make the flavor last as long as you can, and when you're finished, you feel all good and full and warm inside, and already looking forward to heating up the leftovers for the next meal."

Fraser laughed behind me.

"Ray, you appear to personify the proverb that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," he said. "Are you truly meaning to tell me that after more than two years as partners, after hitting each other, nearly drowning, getting shot, and losing your vision, we've gotten to this point too easily?"

I had to laugh at that.

"Okay, point," I admitted. I ran my hands over Fraser's thighs on either side of my hips. "This feels good, though, Frase. Feels . . . you know, natural."

"Ben."

"Huh?" For a moment I was really confused, wondering if, like, Fraser was talking about a previous lover too.

"It seems somewhat inappropriate for you to call me by my last name now, doesn't it?" Fraser said, kissing the back of my neck again.

"Oh." I might've said more, but I didn't, because Fraser's - Ben's - hand was doing something down under the water that I suspected wasn't purely for hygiene. "Uh, yeah."

"Ray Vecchio used to call me Benny, and I never liked it," Ben said softly, moving his hand faster. "Call me Ben."

"Oookay," I whimpered. Hell, I'd call him anything he wanted if he'd just keep doing that.

And then he stopped.

"Hey," I protested.

Ben leaned forward, kissed the side of my neck, with tongue, making me shiver.

"Do you want this - " He stroked me once, lightly " - here, now? Or us together in the bed, naked on soft flannel sheets?"

"Uhhhhhhhh . . . " My brain had gone south for the winter. My tongue felt thick and clumsy. I searched my mind, dredged up one word. "Bed."

I was out of the bath, warm and dry and tucked into Ben's bed between flannel sheets so fast, it would have been a little scary if all my brains weren't packed into my hardon. Then there was Ben all warm and smooth beside me, sitting on the edge of the bed, kind of hesitating.

I reached out, touched his hip.

"Ben?"

"Yes, I'm trying to think what - yes, that should do. Just a moment, Ray." He got up; a minute later the bed dipped again. I could feel him doing something - could feel his muscles moving, but his hips were still, and I couldn't figure out what he was doing.

"What're you up to?" I asked, not really worried whether the Mountie might be getting up to something kinky. Stella and I had had a pretty uninhibited sex life.

"Just a moment, Ray. There. I think that will do." Then Ben was sliding under the covers beside me.

"What were you doing?" I asked, curious despite the hardon.

"This." He took my hand, guided it to his face, and I felt - what the hell? He'd tied a bandana around his head, over his eyes, like a blindfold.

"Is that some kind of joke or something?" I asked, not exactly sure whether I should be offended or not.

"No. No, not at all." Ben pulled my fingers down, kissed my fingertips. "Right now, I want more than eyes can see. I want to see you as you do me, with my hands, my mouth. My heart."

I moaned and damn near came. I reached for him, and he met me halfway, warm lips, warm hands, warm skin.

We had a blind orgy of touching and tasting, reading each other's skin like Braille, cataloguing smells and sounds, rolling over each other, wrapping around each other. Ben licked his way down my spine and I whimpered and shook like I was having another seizure. I flipped Ben over and taught him what great things nipples are, and I was headed south to give cocksucking another try when, damn it, he stopped me again.

"Wait, Ray," he whispered. "I want something else. I'd like you to - well, penetrate me."

I couldn't hold back a grin for anything.

"You mean fuck you, Ben?"

"Er . . . yes." Okay, so he wouldn't say it, but at least I didn't hear about my bad language.

My turn to hesitate.

"Ah . . . I hate to ask, Ben, but have you ever - "

I swear to God, I could hear him blush.

"Ah, in a manner of speaking."

Okay, that's guyspeak, I knew what that meant. That meant playing around by himself. Okay, better than nothing.

"You got stuff? Condoms and lube?" Okay, we'd have the condom talk another time. I knew damn well the Mountie had to be clean, and I was too, the PD required regular tests, but the decision to use or skip the latex was for a time when we weren't naked and hard together.

"Just a moment." Ben squirmed away, and I heard the top drawer of the dresser beside his bed open, small scooting sounds as he fumbled through it. Then he was back, pressing a condom packet and a tube into my hand.

Ohhhhhh, man, I sure hoped Ben had had those when he came here. Otherwise he'd have had to buy them at the drugstore here in Inuvik, where we had to show our faces every time we wanted Band-aids or toothpaste. I felt myself blushing.

"Ray?" Ben asked, a little worriedly, like he was afraid I was having second thoughts. "If you don't want to - "

"No, I'm okay." I kissed him. "You okay, Ben? You sure? This is a lot of trust, you know."

I could feel him smile against my lips.

"Yes, Ray. Exactly so."

Okay, he named the song, and I sure as hell could dance to it. Stella and I had tried it a couple times - she didn't care for it, so we quit trying that, but I loved it when she stuck a finger up there during a blowjob. So I knew the basics, and what the hell, there's a lot of gay men out there and they couldn't all be masochists.

Okay, so I missed out on my second try at cocksucking, but I actually managed to get a few licks in while I squeezed way too much jelly out of the tube onto my fingers and really, let's face it, slimed Ben up with it to the point that if I actually managed to get in there, I was probably going to squirt right back out like a watermelon seed or something. But hey, too much lube was definitely better than too little, and judging from the way Ben was moaning and twisting and gasping, "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, please," I figured I was doing okay. I found his prostate kind of by trial and error - Stella sure hadn't had one of those - but we were both too worked up for me to spend much more time getting him ready, and besides, the "Ray, now, now, NOW!" was kind of cluing me in that Ben was getting a little bit impatient.

I got Ben to turn over on his side and curled up behind him - I knew there were all kinds of other ways, but this way was the only one I'd ever done, and besides, blind, out-of-your-mind-horny and almost-first-time nervous was no time to figure out anything acrobatic. Just as well, too. Even though Ben was good and relaxed and very, very willing, it was hard enough just to get the condom on with slippery fingers, not to mention find the frigging tube of lube I'd dropped somewhere, put more on, and try to fit super-slippery Tab A into super-slippery Slot B. And when it did, it went it kind of faster than I'd meant to, and for a minute when Ben gasped, I was afraid I'd hurt him, but then he groaned, "Oh, God, yes!" and pushed back, and I got a clue and went with it. And God, he was hot and tight and Ben, and nervous and scared and clumsy turned back into hot and loving and, well, awed, and I remembered that this lover had a dick, and I reached around and grabbed it and stroked it, and covered Ben's back and shoulders with kisses.

Ben, meanwhile, had gone from fairly understandable sentences to one-word commands - "More! There! Yes!" and from there to sounds that weren't any words I knew, unless they were in Inuktitut or something, and that was just incredibly hot too, that I'd managed to get Benton Fraser, RCMP, to the incoherent-noise stage. So I pumped in the back and stroked in the front and tried to keep some kind of rhythm going so I could keep doing both at the same time, and Ben bit the pillow and let out this sound, and suddenly my lube-slick fingers were a whole lot slipperier and he squeezed so tight around me there was nothing I could do but bite the top of his shoulder and come so hard it felt like I shot my brains out my dick. And this time when all the flashing lights went off inside my head, I sure couldn't blame it on optic nerve misfires.

A few seconds of hard breathing, and I eased back real gently, and right away Ben flipped over and covered my face with kisses. And then he hesitated, and his hands came up and I could hear him pushing the bandana out of the way.

"I have to, oh, God, I have to see your face," he panted, and he made a soft little sound and grabbed my hands.

"See mine," he whispered, and touched my fingers to his cheeks. And I took my hand away real fast and wiped it on the covers and then I "saw" him, and he kissed me halfway to heaven and back.

And this time we kept warm just fine without the fireplace and the dogs.

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